Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Wall


My cousin put up a facebook update yesterday and she hit a relevant point, not only for herself , but for me and pretty much everybody out there.
We all put walls up that impeed our path in life. Some of us have small walls, others have huge ones. Some of our walls are far away down the road for us to run into later, and some of us are up against their own wall right now.
My theory of this is, that we each build those walls, alot of times with help from others. It's how you deal with the challenges in your life that determine if a brick gets added or not. But the bottom line of this is that it is up to each and every one of us to tear down our own wall.
So how can you do it?
I really don't believe that problems can be ignored or steered around, the can only be solved.
Throughout our lives we all experience fears, hurts, betrayals, setbacks and in some cases abuses by people that we trust. Each of those events will help to assemble your wall.
I'm up against my own wall now. I know exactly where I want to go, I just don't seem to be getting there as fast as I would like. I know that I am up against my own wall.
Having something to hide for most of my life has ended up making my wall fairly big, alot bigger than I have previously noticed, but for the last 2 years I have been up against it in a big way.
The first positive thing that I have done is that I have come out of the shadows and into the light, everybody knows that I am transgendered and I am going through a gender change. If they don't know yet they will know as soon as I find them. This action has been tremendously freeing. There is a couple of bricks gone.
The next thing for me is that I have been married before, twice. I have got to put both of those relationships into their proper place. They are relationships that I really shouldn't have been in had I been honest with myself and them. I don't like to go around hurting people this has put alot of bricks on my wall.
I still talk to my first x, funny enough we are still friends, I still consider her family. It wasn't always that way, it took alot for us to get this far, but we got there through alot of healing and forgiving of each other.
The second X I haven't done so well with. I could see our break up coming for a while, but when it happended it really threw me for a far greater tailspin than I had noticed at the time. Things still need to be sorted through there as well, some of those bricks may be there for a bit longer than I would like, but I have been able to assign a better perspective to that whole situation, that helps alot.
When I started my life here on the island, I really started from scratch, none of my old friends are here. I'm not doing much of anything that I had done before, I miss alot of that. I miss ballet most of all. When I left my life in Canada I gutted everything that I had worked so hard for in the last 18 years. I was left to start a new life, having nothing but the contents of two suitcases.
Without acknowledging where I am standing in my life there is no way to move forward, I have been figuring this out over the last couple of weeks. I have been able to take those bricks off my wall, it's been very powerful for me.
After going through a long depression, there is something that isn't really talked about. For me anyway the bad habits that you pick up are amazing. Thankfully I never descended into drugs and drinking, it's just not me, ever. What did happen was I let a serious decline in my person drive and work ethic happen. Normally I have alot of get up and go, I can get amazing amounts of stuff done.
Realizing that this has occured has been the biggest revelation to me out of everything.
Depression can never be and should never be described in light terms, it's devastating to anyone effected and to those around that person. Outwardly it just looks like they have become unrealiable and not good for much, always involved in a pity party, but inwardly it's a million times worse. These have been the majority of the bricks in my wall and they are coming down.
I'd like to think that I can just flip a switch and everything will be better and back to the way that it was, but it just doesn't work that way. Bad habits must be broken and new ones brought in and improved apon. Each bad habit mastered will be another brick out of my wall.
In my old life, because I was not able to be honest with myself and anybody around me, I always felt like everything that I built or had in my life has been built like a house of cards, ready to fall at the slightest breeze. I can remember constantly getting sick to my stomach with the anxiety of it all.
I've changed all that now. Although I am still pouring the foundation of my life, I am grateful for a second chance to get to do just that. I am going to make this foundation strong.
Brick by brick I am tearing down my wall, I can see my path clearly now. I can see who will be with me and who won't, it is how it is.
I have been lucky to find a partner like I have in Corrina. Together we will build a great life together. I can see exactly what I need to do to get my surgeries completed and get on with my life.
My wall is almost gone, there are still things that I would like to repair and improve on to get more bricks out of my wall.
The encouragement of friends and family has been another huge boost for me. For most of my life I was expecting that when everybody figured out that I was transgendered that they'd all just blow me off and leave. I'd be alone. It never happend. The support that I have recieved has been absolutely amazing, more bricks gone.
To the very few people who have been a negative with this whole thing, I am beginning to think that you may have been bricks too.
Why am I doing this? Why am I splaying my life open for all to see?
I am doing it because if I can reach one person, just one person on the planet then everything will have been worth it, my life will have stood for something more than just a mass of collected things that are just going to be divided up and sold off like a giant garage sale.
I plan on living for a very long time, I'd like my lifeswork to be able to lift up as many people as I can.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was well said.It is our journey, walls and all,setbacks, trials, faith, smiles and encouragement..it all means something, it all does something to us. For me I wish I knew where to start, fear of returning to a place where horrible things happened keep me prisoner in my wall, I have not only hit my wall I have surrounded myself with it, I can't walk backwards and I am tired of trying to push it forward. It has taken many years to go an inch. I have let people control my life, my reactions and my decisions. I thought I had finally knocked down my wall last year only to realize that there are so many layers that I dont' know when I will ever have it down..and maybe I won't ever be able to get it all down. But I am starting my own journey, people are welcome to join me, many may not like what they hear, and yet a this point I can't worry about them anymore. I have bad health ..I now know why I am where I am, and why i haven't moved forward. Now that I can see it I can find help. That is what people need to realize on their own journeys, we were never meant to be alone in this. We put ourselves there worrying what others might think of us, and we need to stop that, we need to say this is us and if you don't like it, then get out of my way, because there will be others that applaud us and others that might see us struggle and fight and then try to fix themselves. We are all teachers, we all have knowledge that can help another, we were meant to be in families and friends, yet those of us in abused situations try to go it alone. It is easier than to hear ridicule for something we had no control over. I have never uttered the words "What did you do to deserve it" to anyone..but I hear it everyday of my life, every set back, every life change. It plays in my head over and over and over. Mik, I applaud you for the journey you are taking and for the growth you have showed. I know you will get where you are going. I know I will get where I am going to, I just have to open up and invite a few people for a bumpy ride. I will bring the pillows.

Kate said...

Miki...With tears in my eyes, I see the person I always saw hiding in my Mic. I'm so happy that you found your way out. There's so much that I could write, but I don't know where to start. I understand exactly what you wrote. I'm so proud of you. I'm learning everyday how to be stronger where I need more strength. Thanks for always being there for me when I need family.

Love always,
Kat (your first ex-wife)