Sunday, July 26, 2009

Consolidated Gender Identity

So here is something that may shed a bit more light on this process. It's called consolidated gender identity. It's something that I have to demonstrate as part of my transition regimen.
What it is having the understanding that although I'm female, I don't have to give up things or activities or parts from my previous life. For example, I like to tinker around fixing bikes and things, I'll still be at it. Essentially I have to show an understanding that although I am having a gender change, I'm not having a brain transplant.
I believe the point of this is to ensure that the patient realizes that after the shift that they'll still be the exact same person just renovated.
I've thought about this alot since I talked about it with Rainey last week. It makes alot of sense to me. As I am going through all this I still feel like the same person, just far more centered. It's hard to even fathom that someone could go through this and feel like the same person.
Over the past few weeks I have finally found a couple of people who are struggling with this issue a bit.
Change scares people, massive change can be really taxing for some.
In both cases I can see their points however, they need to understand that when you look at my being as a whole, I'm really not changing all that much. We can still talk about the same stuff and do the same things. I just look a little different.
Another thing that I have realized is that it's ok to have drive again. I guess that all this change , coupled with a complete change in hormones has left me a bit fogged in. I can feel myself coming out of it and returning to my old driven self.
I'm dropping all the procrastination and pushing the throttles in my life back to full. I have goals and plans again, which is more than I can say for myself in the last year and a half. Having to deal with a divorce and a transition has taken a much higher toll on me than I have realized.
I have alot to get done. It's kick off time. Apologies to anyone who I have stretched the patience of.
I'll be back to my same old self now, just in a skirt he he.
PS the pic in this article is not me, She is a friend who I did a photoshoot with, I just like the shot

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

how'd I get here

I got to thinking the other night, just how did I get here. I'm amazed to look at the road that I have come down. I'm finally getting to a place in my life where I am starting to feel like a normal person. I'm at the short strokes part of all this transition stuff.
So how did I get here. What drove me to the point of taking the big step, facing up to it all and why am I doing it.
Like I've said in earlier articles I did alot of running, trying to man-up. One thing that I realized the other night is that I would pour myself into things in order to be distracted enough not to think about my trans issues. I'd obsess over things, like business, work or hobbies. I always had to have something new to work at.
My biggest and most successful obsession was ballet. In 8 years I managed to pour myself into it. I always was seeking out challenge. Ballet challenged me both physically and mentally. What I didn't realize was that I was setting a time bomb. Ballet took up a huge part of my free time, since I was always challenged I didn't have the time to think much about the growing and howling trans issues in me. My problem came from the stabilty of my job. I had the same job for 10 years. Although my job provided me with challenge it was so routine that I had plenty of work time to obsess over these issues. My work suffered as did my home life, anywhere where there was routine. I knew what I needed to do, I knew what I had to do. I just didn't have the courage to do it.
Life seemed to be falling around my ears, so when the chance to move to Ireland came up I lept at it. It didn't seem to matter that it made no sense. It didn't seem to matter that it all made little to no sense. I went over there to start a new career in an industry that I hadn't much of a clue about, in a place that I knew nothing about. I needed to make the change to find a challenge so big that I could run for a while longer. I had no idea, just what kinda stupid decision I was making. I spent most of my time paralyzed with fear , fear over starting out over there. I just seemed to hit a wall, I could go no further. I was getting frustrated and it was beginning to show. There was nowhere left to run.
It was about this time that my marriage to Di finally unraveled. I ended up back in Canada, completely screwed up.
I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to begin to transition. I licked my wounds from the break up of our marriage for a year. Then finally in late spring I got the courage to offically get the ball rolling. I contacted a counsellor and found a dr and started to build my team and my new life.
It's not perfect, but it's alot easier. I've learned to tear down the walls in my life. I've learned to let people get to know exactly who I am. I haven't had much if any negative reaction. The couple the of people will either adjust or they can find a new friend, it's simple. I'm happy and healthy for the first time in ages. I can't and won't go back to living a lie ever again.