I got to thinking the other night, just how did I get here. I'm amazed to look at the road that I have come down. I'm finally getting to a place in my life where I am starting to feel like a normal person. I'm at the short strokes part of all this transition stuff.
So how did I get here. What drove me to the point of taking the big step, facing up to it all and why am I doing it.
Like I've said in earlier articles I did alot of running, trying to man-up. One thing that I realized the other night is that I would pour myself into things in order to be distracted enough not to think about my trans issues. I'd obsess over things, like business, work or hobbies. I always had to have something new to work at.
My biggest and most successful obsession was ballet. In 8 years I managed to pour myself into it. I always was seeking out challenge. Ballet challenged me both physically and mentally. What I didn't realize was that I was setting a time bomb. Ballet took up a huge part of my free time, since I was always challenged I didn't have the time to think much about the growing and howling trans issues in me. My problem came from the stabilty of my job. I had the same job for 10 years. Although my job provided me with challenge it was so routine that I had plenty of work time to obsess over these issues. My work suffered as did my home life, anywhere where there was routine. I knew what I needed to do, I knew what I had to do. I just didn't have the courage to do it.
Life seemed to be falling around my ears, so when the chance to move to Ireland came up I lept at it. It didn't seem to matter that it made no sense. It didn't seem to matter that it all made little to no sense. I went over there to start a new career in an industry that I hadn't much of a clue about, in a place that I knew nothing about. I needed to make the change to find a challenge so big that I could run for a while longer. I had no idea, just what kinda stupid decision I was making. I spent most of my time paralyzed with fear , fear over starting out over there. I just seemed to hit a wall, I could go no further. I was getting frustrated and it was beginning to show. There was nowhere left to run.
It was about this time that my marriage to Di finally unraveled. I ended up back in Canada, completely screwed up.
I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to begin to transition. I licked my wounds from the break up of our marriage for a year. Then finally in late spring I got the courage to offically get the ball rolling. I contacted a counsellor and found a dr and started to build my team and my new life.
It's not perfect, but it's alot easier. I've learned to tear down the walls in my life. I've learned to let people get to know exactly who I am. I haven't had much if any negative reaction. The couple the of people will either adjust or they can find a new friend, it's simple. I'm happy and healthy for the first time in ages. I can't and won't go back to living a lie ever again.