The Wall

My cousin put up a facebook update yesterday and she hit a relevant point, not only for herself , but for me and pretty much everybody out there.
We all put walls up that impeed our path in life. Some of us have small walls, others have huge ones. Some of our walls are far away down the road for us to run into later, and some of us are up against their own wall right now.
My theory of this is, that we each build those walls, alot of times with help from others. It's how you deal with the challenges in your life that determine if a brick gets added or not. But the bottom line of this is that it is up to each and every one of us to tear down our own wall.
So how can you do it?
I really don't believe that problems can be ignored or steered around, the can only be solved.
Throughout our lives we all experience fears, hurts, betrayals, setbacks and in some cases abuses by people that we trust. Each of those events will help to assemble your wall.
I'm up against my own wall now. I know exactly where I want to go, I just don't seem to be getting there as fast as I would like. I know that I am up against my own wall.
Having something to hide for most of my life has ended up making my wall fairly big, alot bigger than I have previously noticed, but for the last 2 years I have been up against it in a big way.
The first positive thing that I have done is that I have come out of the shadows and into the light, everybody knows that I am transgendered and I am going through a gender change. If they don't know yet they will know as soon as I find them. This action has been tremendously freeing. There is a couple of bricks gone.
The next thing for me is that I have been married before, twice. I have got to put both of those relationships into their proper place. They are relationships that I really shouldn't have been in had I been honest with myself and them. I don't like to go around hurting people this has put alot of bricks on my wall.
I still talk to my first x, funny enough we are still friends, I still consider her family. It wasn't always that way, it took alot for us to get this far, but we got there through alot of healing and forgiving of each other.
The second X I haven't done so well with. I could see our break up coming for a while, but when it happended it really threw me for a far greater tailspin than I had noticed at the time. Things still need to be sorted through there as well, some of those bricks may be there for a bit longer than I would like, but I have been able to assign a better perspective to that whole situation, that helps alot.
When I started my life here on the island, I really started from scratch, none of my old friends are here. I'm not doing much of anything that I had done before, I miss alot of that. I miss ballet most of all. When I left my life in Canada I gutted everything that I had worked so hard for in the last 18 years. I was left to start a new life, having nothing but the contents of two suitcases.
Without acknowledging where I am standing in my life there is no way to move forward, I have been figuring this out over the last couple of weeks. I have been able to take those bricks off my wall, it's been very powerful for me.
After going through a long depression, there is something that isn't really talked about. For me anyway the bad habits that you pick up are amazing. Thankfully I never descended into drugs and drinking, it's just not me, ever. What did happen was I let a serious decline in my person drive and work ethic happen. Normally I have alot of get up and go, I can get amazing amounts of stuff done.
Realizing that this has occured has been the biggest revelation to me out of everything.
Depression can never be and should never be described in light terms, it's devastating to anyone effected and to those around that person. Outwardly it just looks like they have become unrealiable and not good for much, always involved in a pity party, but inwardly it's a million times worse. These have been the majority of the bricks in my wall and they are coming down.
I'd like to think that I can just flip a switch and everything will be better and back to the way that it was, but it just doesn't work that way. Bad habits must be broken and new ones brought in and improved apon. Each bad habit mastered will be another brick out of my wall.
In my old life, because I was not able to be honest with myself and anybody around me, I always felt like everything that I built or had in my life has been built like a house of cards, ready to fall at the slightest breeze. I can remember constantly getting sick to my stomach with the anxiety of it all.
I've changed all that now. Although I am still pouring the foundation of my life, I am grateful for a second chance to get to do just that. I am going to make this foundation strong.
Brick by brick I am tearing down my wall, I can see my path clearly now. I can see who will be with me and who won't, it is how it is.
I have been lucky to find a partner like I have in Corrina. Together we will build a great life together. I can see exactly what I need to do to get my surgeries completed and get on with my life.
My wall is almost gone, there are still things that I would like to repair and improve on to get more bricks out of my wall.
The encouragement of friends and family has been another huge boost for me. For most of my life I was expecting that when everybody figured out that I was transgendered that they'd all just blow me off and leave. I'd be alone. It never happend. The support that I have recieved has been absolutely amazing, more bricks gone.
To the very few people who have been a negative with this whole thing, I am beginning to think that you may have been bricks too.
Why am I doing this? Why am I splaying my life open for all to see?
I am doing it because if I can reach one person, just one person on the planet then everything will have been worth it, my life will have stood for something more than just a mass of collected things that are just going to be divided up and sold off like a giant garage sale.
I plan on living for a very long time, I'd like my lifeswork to be able to lift up as many people as I can.

Face off

I'm home sick today, I've been sick all week with a cold. I'm getting better, but I have a ways to go. The cold has migrated to my sinus's , that today's development anyway. My voice is also still shot, but it is getting better, I still sound like Marlon Brando, Hardly feminine.
On the brighter side , today I booked into to have a consult with a facial surgeon. My appointment is for late January in Vancouver. I have quite a few things that I would like to have done, so I am going to break it down into three surgical sessions, This will also allow me to pay for it a bit easier.
The doctor that I am going to see is Dr Bowman. He is apparently from Switzerland, and he trained in Belgium. I spoke to his staff at length, they seem quite nice and they have a good idea of what I need.
So for now I have to concentrate on getting well and getting back to my training. I want to be rid of this muffin top of mine.
I just put a new mirror on the dresser beside my bed, I was getting ready for bed and realized why I hate mirrors, they are way too honest. Anyway I am using that as postive motivation to get back to my morning runs.

lending voice

I'm at the stage now, where I get to change my voice. I never realized just how much the various aspects of speech contribute to how the world views who you are.
From Pitch and tone to the what that things are said, there is soo much to learn.
So if your around me, bear with with my as I sort this out. I was considering a surgically implanted clip on my vocal chords, kind of a lazy persons approach. However I have to think about upcoming surgeries, and other medical emergencies down the road. The clip actually can make to process of intubation difficult. I'd rather not be in need of dire help and have some doctor having a hard time intubating me and not knowing why he can't.
So voice coaching it is. I've though about it alot, and traditional voice coaching seems to be the most effective and the safest way to go. So no it's not your ears playing tricks on you, it's actually me learning something new

Kicking down self imposed barriers

For most of my life, since I was 8 years old, I have had a secret, that I am transgendered. I guarded my secret for a long time.
Now I am very open about who I am. I'll tell anybody who'll listen.
Even though I feel comfortable talking to anybody about it I was hearing back that people were supportive, but weren't feeling it. I battled with this for most of the summer. Why couldn't people fully "get it" with me. Then it occured to me.
Even though I knew who I was, even though I knew where I was heading with this, my presentation didn't match up to my being. This is where I realized that I was the cause of people not "feeling it".
Looking in the mirror one day, I could see that I wasn't presenting myself as I should. What was I expecting. To be honest I spent most of the summer dancing around this all summer.
This leads me to the second half of the problem, I know very little about female presentation.

For most of my life this had all been a strongly guarded secret, so it was strange for me to think of asking anybody for input, let alone help.
Thankfully I have really cool friends. This week alone I have been given so much help with appearence and other matters that it's filled me with a new confidence.
Alot of people, although they are supportive, never really have to think about just how much goes into a transition like this. I guess they didn't or don't feel like they should be offering guidence. Let me just state that it's needed.
My friend Rika helped me alot last night, going through my wardrobe and helping me to put together some different clothes for work.
My problem isn't that I don't have clothes so much as a complete lack of knowledge in how to put them together.
I was talking to my friend and Editor Bonnie about this today as well. Bonnie is my Sage, always full of good advice. I explained the conclusions that I have reached and she gave me more great perspective.
Now I fully understand why people weren't feeling it. Carol at the Stitcher's Muse in Nanaimo was the person that really switched the light on for me. I always had my hair in a ponytail. A few days ago I came in with my hair down. Her comment was that my hair looks more like where I'm going rather than where I have been. Lots of guys with long hair put their hair in a ponytail, leaving my hair down looked far more feminine.
It's these little signals that I send out that really help people to " feel it".
Thanks for your help everybody, and especially to Corrina who puts up with me sorting all of this out.

Departures

When I left Ireland I remember looking out the window as we took off, watching the farm fields of county Antrim passing beneath me, getting ever smaller. I remember how it felt to be leaving Ireland, leaving the comfort of what I had for alot of unknowns in Canada.
I'm feeling the same thing now, in this transition. I can feel myself getting farther away from the guy that I have tried to be. I'm watching old habits and vesteges of being a guy fade away.
With my name changing, I'm rarely hearing Mike anymore, and when I do I just sounds foreign. The hormones are doing their job as well.
The funny part for me is that throughout this transition I really haven't had much stress about it, but I'm starting to feel a bit of it now.
Like me on the airplane leaving Ireland, I'm getting farther away from the known and I'm heading to the unknown. Just like then the stress of facing the unknown is tempered by the adventure of starting fairly fresh.
I know that I am fairly far along in this whole transition to be finally noticing this, but for me I'm just really noticing that I'm not a guy anymore, and the world is not really seeing me as a guy anymore. It's great, it's exactly what I want, but wow is it strange to feel.
I guess if this journey was a flight from Ireland to Canada I'd be past Greenland and entering northern Canada.
I'm definitely now ready to get on with some of the more major changes.

Adapting Presentations

So here I am some 16 months into all of this and I've noticed a couple of things. Some people don't yet have a clear picture of how things are proceeding.
There is a distinct order to follow for a transition. The order of changes is designed to provide a system of checks and balances in the entire process.
For the most part transgendered people who are going so far as to seek gender reassignment are whole heartedly convinced of its nesessity, however they , like me have to follow a process that gives you time to change your mind.
For me, I almost always new about this coming up in my life. Ever since I was 7 or 8 years old. Since tolerance in society in the 70's and 80's wasn't near what it is today I knew that I had to keep it to myself. Now approaching 40, I don't want to stall around anymore.
The first thing that I did was to let a few friends and family in on my secret. All were supportive, quite a few weren't even surprised. The Next thing I did was to talk to my GP followed by aquiring a counsellor.
One of the first big steps for me was to realize that I was in control of this, I was the project manager. With this attitude I began to assemble my team, gp's, counsellors and specialists.
The next step came with beginning to phase out my male existence. I gave all my guys stuff to my brother.
This is where I noticed that what I was doing was reaching the edge of peoples comfort zones. Nobody says anything, but I see it and hear it in the way that they respond, subjects get changed in conversations or somethings just don't get talked about. I let it slide because I know that these people are trying their best to be supportive, they are just teetering on the edge of their expierience. It's not everyday that people get to witness this type of transformation. This is really where I have fallen off the rails with some people, it's my job to bring them along. Too often, as trans people, we expect the support of others, however we provide no leadership to help our friends and family through the transition. We need to remember that our transition includes them, they are an integral part of the process.
I have fallen off at this point a bit because I have been adapting myself to fit into their comfort zones rather than simply leading the way. I'll alter my mode of dress, how I conduct myself and what name I'll use, all for their comfort. All the while I'll grow frustrated that my transition has seemed to bog down.
So I've repositioned myself at the lead again. I realize the mistakes that I have been making there is no more being stuck in both worlds.
The next stage that I started about 10 months ago was to see the endocronolgist. This is a crucial step for any transpersons. The endo is their to get your hormone levels right. It's important to use and endo for hormonal issues, simply because if mishandled hormones can have lethal side effects.
So the endo got my hormones corrected to what they need to be. It felt great, like coming home after a long time away. The changes are beginning to mount up now. I am more or less past the point of no return. The interactions with the Endo were fairly simple, from blood tests to follow ups as we ramped up the hormone levels, all the while choosing the safest possible routes.
I am now starting to use my new name, Mikayla , at work and all around. This is a hard one for everybody to get their head around, firstly because I haven't presented myself well enough to get people past the "old me" issue, and secondly 39 years of habits are hard to break for both me and them.
The magazine I take pics for , publishes my images as being from Mikayla Weighill, that's really cool.
I like to feel like I am not only a male to female transgender person, but also an emabassador for trans people. My theory is that if the people who are watching me and supporting me see this transition as a strong, positive and healthy move that I may be able to change the way that trans people are viewed by people. Since I work in the media I think of it as a duty and priviledge.

the pic above is from a summer stroll on the Nanaimo waterfront

Permissions

One of the things that I have struggled with, in this whole transition, is in giving myself permisssions to make the changes that I want to make.
I'm basically kind of a shy person. I have been the biggest impediment to getting this stuff done.
It's not any kind of subconsious mumbo-jumbo. The basic thing is I am just shy.
I thought that I would write about it because I can't be the only one. It's funny because once I have actually made a change or given myself permission to do something I'm actually fine with it
Most of the permission constipation comes from my outward appearence. Going to counselling is no big deal for me. Going to various doctors and explaining myself is no big deal. I write about this stuff and I talk endlessly about it. I actually have no problem outing myself to anybody. I work in the media, it's kinda screwy.
Don't get me wrong, I am getting better at this stuff all the time and I do press ahead, because I know that once I make a change that I feel all the better for it. I just find it curious that it's some of the little things, like wearing a more feminine shirt or a skirt that I get all shy about. I do wear them , no problem but it is funny none the less.
This is my struggle, oh well things could be way worse I suppose.
PS I'm not in the picture
I have long hair, I haven't worn mens anything in about 16 months, I guess because I really need to find my fashion feet. I watch alot of people to get tips. The funny part is that being in Canada is probably part of the problem too. From my travels I have learned that we Canadians, especially us westerners, are fashion challenged.
I'm doing my best to learn. I like to look good, with some courage I will.